


My Exhaustion Will Consume Me

by mr_bonez



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Clay | Dream-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Clay | Dream, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentioned TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Ending, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Song: I'm Not a Good Person (Pat the Bunny Schneeweis), Songfic, Sorry Not Sorry, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27598501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mr_bonez/pseuds/mr_bonez
Summary: Wherein Dream believes he is a bad person.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 297





	My Exhaustion Will Consume Me

_I'm not a good person._

Dream was well aware of this fact. There was just no way he could be considered good, what with everything he'd done. Deceiving his friends, blowing their homes to smithereens, killing them over, and over, and over. Clearly, he deserved every bit of suffering he got because he was anything but. Not a good person. Not one at all. And he knew it, very, very well.

_Ask anyone who knows me._

His friends knew it, he knew it. They hardly tolerated him, he could see it in their eyes. They might laugh, they might joke, they might be all buddy-buddy in public, but he knew behind closed doors they'd laugh about him and scowl about the pleasantries he tries to bestow. Sometimes, he let himself believe that they truly cared. But he was a fool to think that. Why would anyone care about him, of all people? The tyrant? The monster? The killer? 

The _Dream_?

_I'm mean and bitter,_  
_And a failure at everything I say that I believe._

He makes promises and he breaks them. That's what he does. He promised Wilbur, he promised Tommy, he promised Tubbo. He said he would keep Pogtopia safe. He promised Schlatt, he promised Quackity, he promised Ponk. He said he would make Manberg great. 

He fulfilled neither.

_I'm not a good person._

_Ask anyone who loves me._

He'd had a lover once. Though they could hardly be considered partners—more like glorified best friends, truly—but the breakup had been horrendous and maybe that's where his downfall began. Ever since then, he's never been honest. It started as white lies. “I've never dated before.”, “I have no experience with love.”, “I was a loner before the SMP.” Little things. Things he thought didn't matter. But they piled up.

A disgusting, writhing mass of grimy, nasty little lies. It consumed him, and he thought he looked better when someone could see how gross he truly was from the way it curled and wrapped around his body, but it seemed no one else could see. That's when he started to wear the mask. Purposely scary—odd, frightening. To drive others away. If he couldn't see how bad of a person he was, he would make them leave on their own.

Manipulation. Expected, coming from him.

_I never write, I never call._  
_I never think about anyone at all._

Dream's sister never heard from him. They had no one else, they'd been very close as children. Their parents were gone and he had no intention of thinking about what had happened anytime soon, but all he needed to remember was that he had taken care of her and left her when he didn't want her anymore. Young, but old enough in this world to live alone, so that's how he left her. He started the SMP and the most she'd get was a card on her birthday and a hefty sum of money sent to her monthly. She still tried to talk to him. She wanted her big brother back. Why couldn't she see that he was too vile to be her brother anymore?

_I'm not a good person._  
_No matter what I do._

He was clearly bad. But no one else could see it. He wondered what he would have to do to convince them.

_My exhaustion will consume me._

Dream's mind brought up a forgotten memory like an insult based on something you forgot someone else knew. Tommy, back before Techno joined, when he was very young, idolized him. All he wanted was affection and he was happy to abide, playing with him whenever he desired and letting him remove the mask he donned on his face. The happy little man adored him and Dream was proud to say Tommy was his biggest fan. Then everything happened. He faded away from Tommy, even when he cried and begged for him to even say a word.

Once he'd had enough. Once he'd yelled. Once Tommy had ran away sobbing. He didn't remember it clearly, but the snippets were good enough for him to understand why Tommy didn't care for him anymore. Why would you adore someone who hated you for saying their name?

 _And I'm too tired for the truth_.

He thought Tommy had forgotten. But he raised his voice and he saw him flinch. Tommy covered it up, claiming he saw a bug—he'd always hated bugs—and he hadn't bothered to acknowledge what he'd done. He accepted it. He didn't deserved Tommy's forgiveness.

_I'm not a good person._

_I'm sure you're not surprised._

_Everyone_ would lie about how much they loved him. They didn't treasure him. they didn't love him. He didn't want them too. That was wrong. He didn't deserve love, love that could be spent on someone who deserved it, like Niki or Fundy or Tubbo. Schlatt, even! He wasn't worthy of their affection and he didn't understand why he had it. So he pushed them away. Until slowly very few kept messaging, until his only interactions were began by him. He did this to himself.

Why did it hurt?

_It must be pouring out my sweat glands,_  
_It must be someplace in my eyes._

_I don't know why I am this way._

He was a monster, he was aware. It hurt, though, when Tommy got up in his face and screamed about him being one. He was the traitor. He was the traitor even if someone else took the title. He was the traitor and he always had been even before there was something to betray. A monster, that was Dream.

_I've been like this since I can remember._

_I try to keep up with everything I know I should do,_  
_But then I fall to pieces anyway._

At this point, he'd given up.

On Pogtopia, on Manberg, on Dream SMP. But he kept trekking, because his friends found it fun. They enjoyed it, so he kept going. So they could keep enjoying it. He knew that someday he would leave, but before that someday he would give the server to someone else. Someone more deserving. Who would keep it going in his absence. Someone not him.

_I don't know why I am this way._

It was elusive, a mystery. 

He didn't know, truly, why he was so awful compared to everyone else.

_I'm not a good person, not even to you._  
_I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound_  
_Of another heartbeat in the room._

Drista had begged him to come home—just for the weekend. The holidays! She promised they'd have a blast, sent hundreds of messages, even attempted to bribe him. She was the best sister he could ask for, but he knew he couldn't go. He sat against his wall, listening to the pinging sound of her messages on his communicator for hours upon hours, closing his eyes and waiting for when it would end. He couldn't. If he visited her, she'd turn out as awful and he had. She'd be a monster, just like him. She'd become disgusting, just like him. She was his little sister. He couldn't let that happen.

_”I'm not a good person.“_

She asked why and he couldn't stop himself from answering. He gave it to her short and simple. He was bad. He would ruin her. She argued, she yelled, she fought. She couldn't shake his view, because her naivety was exactly why he couldn't be around her. Ashe trusted him. No one should trust him.

_”Fuck it, you know it's true.“_

And he left it at that.

She stopped messaging him.

_I'm lazy, I'm a coward._  
_I'm asleep all day in my room._

Monster, coward, liar, fraud, tyrant, traitor, beast. All things that defined him. As a person—as a creature. He couldn't be called a person anymore.

_I don't know why I am this way._

Everyone stopped talking to him. 

_I've been like this since I can remember._

He wanted it, he wanted them to ignore him, but it felt horrible.

_I try to keep up with everything I know i should do._

Good.

_But then I'll fall to pieces anyway._

He deserved it.

_I don't know why I am this way._

He knew no one would miss him.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCORD MADE ME DO IT SORRY NOT SORRY


End file.
